Tuesday 31 December 2013

Christmas Emotions



©Priscilla Etienne Funeography®

The crying we experience in everyday life is very different to crying because of grief. I think one form can be from frustration, anger, and even physical pain. But the tears from grief is etched so much deeper. As I've become older I have become more emotional. I seem to cry really easily. Things hurt me more.
Christmas time is always the most emotional. I want to cry more, express my sadness more, and sometimes I can get very  short with people if they upset me. I seem to take on a more direct attitude. In a nutshell, if I'm put out, i'll let you know loud and clear and as quickly as the words can leave my mouth.
I do like this time of year, but at the same time, it makes me angry, I think it's because I want to try and put right all the wrongs that have been done to me, ask others why they feel how they feel and expect a direct and prompt answer, get the apologies owed to me, and give my apologies. Trouble is.... I want to do it all before midnight on New Year's Eve. I feel quite exhausted fitting all that in. New Year's Eve tends to bring personal politics to the fore.

     Working with bereaved families can sometimes feel like this. The complicated family politics appear albeit stronger, but similar feelings come to the surface.
Whatever harsh words are spoken, every body feels the sadness, and everybody cries the same tears on the funeral day.
I drove along the route of my mums funeral on Christmas Day on the way to the cemetery The song 'Let Her Go' by passenger was playing on the radio and I suddenly began to cry. I was back at the funeral day. I never got to thank three people in particular that stuck in, and will always be in my mind for what they did that day; brandishing their shovels to bury our mum. Mark Reed, and my two cousins Roger and Eric Francois. Thank you, thank you, thank you all. From the bottom of my heart. 
        For everyone who is feeling their loss harder this time of year. I hope your fondest and dearest memories allow a smile in between the tears at midnight. Happy New Year.

See you at the next posting.

I dedicate this blog to the exceptionally strong and fiercely missed Iona Magloire. 

Friday 25 October 2013

The Token Mourner




©Priscilla Etienne Funeography®

I'm on the last dvd of my Sopranos box set. In a previous episode Uncle Junior is going crazy being under house arrest, so he begins to use every opportunity to get permission to leave the house, by attending as many funerals as he can.

On the day of my mums funeral back in January 1996, I'd already attended so many funerals. When the funeral director arrived at the family home and saw me he smiled and said; 
'Here she is, the token mourner'. When I told him it was my mum he was clearly embarrassed but I understood why he said it. 
        To have attended 1-2 funerals every year since I was seventeen is an awful lot. Their frequency coupled with the importance to attend has become a foundation of my life. Quite honestly, I choose a funeral over a wedding every time. Yes, I enjoy them. Why? Because they are nearly always honest and sincere.  In eulogies, not only are a persons achievements remembered, but also their misgivings. They always keep me grounded and allow me to continuously evaluate my actions and my purpose in life. I don't make a decision to appreciate each day and make the most of life, then forget about it when I get home.
I can always see the importance in making an effort to attend a funeral as a mourner because the strength and comfort that comes from seeing family, friends, and familiar faces speaks volumes. It really helps to distract from the many silences we experience, along with deep thoughts and anxiety. 

I've become a familiar face now at many local funerals and hopefully a welcome one, and when it's my turn to die, I'm sure someone there will forget themselves for a second and say...... Where's Cilla????

I dedicate this blog to Lena Lloyd. I think of you often and you are still very much missed.



Friday 20 September 2013

The Love of a Large Family


©Priscilla Etienne Funeography

On Wednesday the large family and even larger community got together to say a final farewell to Dorothy Howlett. To all that knew her well, Dolly. The family come from where I grew up and all of them were at school with me and my brothers and sisters. Taking this picture was emotionally overwhelming for me because I haven't seen them all together like this since I was a young girl. As soon as I was able to gather them together very briefly I took this opportunity. It was unexpected as the family had not commissioned Funeography but they kindly agreed to the picture.

One of the things that I have never seen before was an individual message from each of them inside the order of service booklet. I looked around the church and saw people crying as they were reading the messages. It was lovely to see Dolly's grand sons carry her into the horse drawn carriage, the tallest grandson kissing her coffin tenderly. Once we were inside the church, her sons carried her inside. I could see the clear pride on everyone's faces. 

Once back at the house I looked around, and in each room I could see the brothers and sisters coming in and out, with various friends behind them. I could hear laughter, arguments, singing, and even saw myself standing in the kitchen with Dolly's youngest daughter, in the days when we wore belts for skirts. It really was an open house with so much warmth the house practically glowed.

I would like to thank the Howlett family for opening their minds to the wonderful idea of a family portrait outside the beloved house they all once, and still do call home.

I dedicate this blog to Jim and Dorothy Howlett. Together again and watching over the wonderful legacy you both created. 

Thursday 12 September 2013

Thank You Richard Drew





Richard Drew (2001) The Falling Man




Richard Drew is a photographer for the Associated Press. On the 11th September 2001, it was the first day of fashion week and he was working in a studio. He was told about the world Trade Centre attacks by a colleague at the shoot and was then called by the office and told to abandon the shoot and head to the scene. He made his way toward West Street and when he got there he began taking pictures of the fire taking hold and the first scenes of devastation. Then a woman standing near to him said 'Look, look at those people'. Frightened for their lives and with no means of escape people made the no win decision of jumping from the windows of the building.
   That single image sparked a debate all over America and the world. Questions were being asked about why anyone would want to capture such a harrowing image, and who the man was. The debate spread and resulted in a documentary being made some years after the attacks. 

Of all the stories and interviews I listened to, this particular incident made me think about the scale of fear and confusion more than any other. I developed a great amount of respect and admiration for Richard Drew and I was thankful for the bravery he had to continue shooting and the respectful way he explained his reasons for taking the picture. 
I would have been compelled to continue shooting these images as well because my work is very much focused on human behaviour, emotion and reaction. 

It's alway better to see all sides of a situation even when it's difficult to accept. Photography isn't just about cute kittens and the prettiest bride on her wedding day. It's about moments in time, portraying a feeling without hearing sound and producing such a powerful, thought provoking image that it needs no explanation. 
For all these things........Thank you Richard Drew.

I dedicate this blog to all the men, women and children who lost their lives that day. May you rest in eternal peace.



Wednesday 14 August 2013

Vilomah


I first had a strong insight into the life changing experience of losing a child, becoming (vilomah), when I was at university three years ago. The term Vilomah is what I prefer to use when a parent loses a child. It's an Indian term and means 'Against the natural order'.
 Since then I have taken pictures of the floral tributes left outside the late Danny O'Shea's house with permission from his mother Julie, although I had to ask another photographer to leave while I was there. He had set up a large tripod directly in front of the house. I didn't like it and I made it quite clear to him that he would need to leave as quickly as he came. When I see myself writing 'the late Danny O'Shea', I feel as if I should be talking about someone much older. He was too young to be 'late'. 

In the news last week Doreen Lawrence was given the title of Baroness and with it given a voice in parliament. All the ridicule and criticism she has suffered because of getting the title will run off her back, like water off a duck. Why? because all that she has done is for her son. For her child, the child that should still be here. 



I was at a funeral today. It was the funeral of a two-year-old boy who tragically lost his life in an accident at home. 
    We were gathering outside the family home waiting for the funeral directors to place the child in the car. There was silence, not the usual chatter you'd here. The mother took some time time to leave, understandably holding on to her final moments with the father. The funeral directors were really patient in giving the parents more time and they handled the whole day with natural empathy. I haven't seen that among funeral directors for some time. The funeral directors are Stibbard & Sons based in Hadleigh Essex.


There were some of his favourite childrens songs playing when we walked into the church, it surprised me but I'm not sure why. it's probably because I'm used to hearing music for an older child or an adult. All the family members that were set to do their eulogies did them with true grace. It's not an easy thing to do. The priest said something that struck a chord in me. He said that although he is not with us he does not cease to exist, and that he's more alive than we are. 







I feel emotionally drained from the intense emotions and strong displays of grief, but tonight I'll be thinking about the family and the first night of many; trying to cope with life without him.

I dedicate this blog to these children who left their parents behind.
Adam Regis, Robert Levy, Bobby Litambola, Tommy Harley, Terry Booker, Kiyan Prince, Sabeena Rizvi, Anton Hyman, Bakari Juda Davis.

See you at the next posting.  
   

Wednesday 31 July 2013

A Different Grief

Silver - 19 July 2013  ©Priscilla Etienne




It's been a really topsy turvy week emotionally.

For many years I have worked with bereaved families and coped with personal bereavement. Many people I have lost over the years have not only made an impact on my life but left big voids along the way. The biggest gap I will never be able to fill is the loss of my mother. I couldn't have prepared myself for the unplanned loss of my cat Silver. He would have been 18 years old this September and was an extremely well behaved, well trained, Maine Coon. He was older than my son, so to me he was most definitely my boy. I had wanted to put him to sleep 6 months ago (when this picture was taken) because he had got to a point of approaching deafness and even showing signs of senility but he most certainly did not look his age. The decision to put him to sleep was forced upon me when he was attacked by a fox, he suffered but with strength and dignity. I was with him all through his pain and as he slipped into unconsciousness I had to leave him as I couldn't bear to see his breathing getting slower. I left the vets room in floods of tears. The reaction of the people in the waiting area with their animals was of genuine sadness for me.

I took a leaflet from the vet as I was determined to have him cremated and home with me. The pet crematorium is Sunnyfields, they are based in Braintree Essex. When I called to make the arrangements and heard the reassuring, calm voice of John I felt instantly supported. I even smiled to myself, as I heard the same manner I use when I work with bereaved families. If only they knew what I do; I thought. The pricing system was explained to me quickly and clearly, then a deposit was taken over the phone with the balance payable when Silver was being brought home. The total cost was £95.00. 
When he was brought home, John carried him in a cat basket lined with a deep green velvet material. The tribute folder containing beautiful poems from Silver to me, then from my son to him, then from Silver to both of us, rested in the basket too. The whole thing was really touching and tastefully done without being over the top. 


My daily tweets about this grieving experience can be seen @Funeography #DifferentGrief
Thank you John and Paula and team at Sunnyfields, you did a fantastic job.
The website for Sunnyfields is: www.sunnyfieldspetcrematorium.com

Naturally I dedicate this blog to our beloved Silver. Missing you terribly but still have you with us always. 

See you at the next posting.
                                                      

Thursday 6 June 2013

Funeography, Like It Or Not.


                                         Copyright Priscilla Etienne Funeography

We're coming into a time of competition. Many in the death industry want the opportunity to show why they should be chosen to cover a funeral in whatever their chosen field is. I have even fallen victim to a photographer who wanted to be part of Funeography and what it stands for, the trouble is he wanted to do it without paying for the privilege.
I'm continuously working to ensure that the style of Funeography speaks for itself. I don't believe bells and whistles are always necessary. I have always preferred simplicity within my work, coupled with capturing the moment, as it happens but very importantly: in it's real state. With very little added and very little taken away. Funeography is still unique in it's style. Funeography is now offering a licensing package for photographers The new website is available to view at www.funeography.com

I have requests to do what I call a mutual promotion. I mention someone else's service within the industry, and they mention Funeography. I'm humbled that the company "A Giving Tribute" has recently asked me, and that they like the way Funeography captures the many different moods of funerals.
So now I can explain a little about them. A Giving Tribute provides families with much needed and precious memories at the pinnacle point of grief, the funeral. The last chance to express all emotions in any way families wish to. With the help of the, warm, caring and consistent team, the days leading up to the funeral are given just as much consideration. They provide Tribute Cards, a Commemorative Memory Book, A Tribleau (a display board) which contains Tribute Cards. 
It's a beautiful service and when I first viewed the website I got a pleasant feeling without being bombarded with things to look at. It is very easy on the eye. But more importantly, the people behind it is what makes it work. The website is www.agivingtribute.com

This blog is dedicated to Mrs Bradley, who had very strong views and very strong morals... Like it or not.

See you at the next posting.

Wednesday 29 May 2013

Close To Home





While I was waiting in the queue at the Woolwich ferry, I got that butterfly feeling. The same feeling I get on my way to a funeral. I know what to do, where to go, and how to achieve the best results. It's  really cloudy although I like the weather this way, richer images. My I-pad is with me because I feel like I should use my adaptor more. I can take pictures and transfer them onto I-pad, then slightly edit them. I've begun writing this blog on the way home.

I stood at the main road crossing to take in the silent flowers, standing still, barely moving in the breeze.




People were coming towards me the whole time, but very quietly. The mood is still very solemn. When you first arrive there and see all the British and  St George flags it looks like people waiting for the queen to visit the area. I wondered about why the soldiers didn't see or hear much but the high walls seen behind the green gates show that the spot was secluded from their view.
The width of the pavement is getting smaller because everyone is determined to leave their tributes.


              





Reading the tributes would probably take about four hours. Some of the people reading them were there before I arrived and were still there when I was leaving. I've definately noticed a surge in young people openly expressing their grief and taking an active role in whats going on around them.

This just emphasis what I have always believed.. grief and funerals should always involve children and young people. Particularly if they want to be part of it.






Woolwich was one of my childhood playgrounds and it was always a laugh crossing the ferry or riding bikes through the foot tunnel. I'm proud that the area is an important part of my childhood and at times like these to see the community pull together as one..... I'm proud to be British.






I dedicate this blog to Drummer Lee Rigby and to all our deeply respected, deeply honoured and deeply loved fallen soldiers.     

See you at the next posting.


Tuesday 30 April 2013

Stephen Lawrence - The First Of Many




Adam Regis - 17.03.2007
©Priscilla Etienne Funeography


One week ago marked twenty years since the murder of Stephen Lawrence. for me, it was the first murder of this kind involving a young person to hit the headlines. To hit me hard enough that it prompted me to do a racism workshop within my youth club at the time (The Youth House) in East London.
I remember the widespread sadness most parents felt and the overwhelming urge to protect their children.
Who would have thought in the years to follow, we would be protecting our young people from themselves. Since then I have described the frequent, tragic murders of young people as genocide. Which will eventually culminate in a complete loss of a generation.

Michael Simon Wright - 19.02.2009
©Priscilla Etienne Funeography


The racism workshop I did with a group of young people involved taking them to the Stephen Lawrence enquiry, a bold move for youth work at the time. The fuelled and highly emotional atmosphere stirred a wealth of reaction from the group. They were scared, surprised and angry. Some of the words they used to describe the experience.
Many years later I was to revisit the same subject at university with two colleagues Andre Laing and Ken Kamara, but this time the reasons were mixed.
The three months we spent listening to the events leading up to the deaths of their children were difficult to hear but we were more focused on their well being during the whole project. We were grateful they spoke to us and built a good level of trust with us. When we were not discussing how to work with what they gave us, we were crying together. Every waking moment became about them. This is how we came up with the title for the project "Them"



Terry Booker - 14.11.2000
©Priscilla Etienne Funeography


Kiyan Prince - 18.05.2006
©Priscilla Etienne Funeography

Robert Levy - 16.09.2004
©Priscilla Etienne Funeography
Stephen Lewis 24.01.2009
©Priscilla Etienne Funeography

I have watched the tireless fight by Doreen and Neville Lawrence in the quest of justice for Stephen and the fight is still continuing, just as it is for the parents and families of the young people I have mentioned.  I can only hope that Doreen and Nevilles  long journey will come to an end with the full results they seek.
As it was then and as it is now, my utmost respect and empathy is with them and their family.

I dedicate this blog to Stephen Lawrence.


See you at the next posting.

Thursday 11 April 2013

Everyone Deserves Empathy



©Priscilla Etienne Funeography


Since Margaret Thatchers death, there's been plenty of comments about the damage she did to the country, along with the strength, courage, and determination she had. Ruling with an iron fist.

As a strong, courageous and determined woman I have been at the negative end of comments about my work, about the brand I have devised. I honestly can,t see why some people are so against it. It could be because of the fear of what others may say, in fact I would most certainly say it is. Fear coupled with the unknown. I always explain to my clients, that fear is quickly replaced by relief and pleasure that the decision to cover the funeral was made.
The thing is you can't please everyone. When you believe that something is right and could work, you have to go with it. It's one thing running a tight ship with family life but quite another in a male dominated profession.

I don't necessarily agree with the changes that Baroness Thatcher implemented but whatever she decided; she has a family who loved her, she has children who she raised to the best of her ability, and with love.
We should think about them, whatever their ages, it's still their mum. Their pain is no different to mine without my mum.
They will struggle at christmas, birthdays, mother's day, just as I do along with so many others. In this circumstance, respect where it is due.


Baroness Thatcher may you rest in peace.

See you at the next posting.


Wednesday 13 March 2013

Gun & Knife Crime At The BAFTA's

I accepted the invitation to the private screening at the BAFTA's a week ago. It was a Sunday so that was a good reason as any to catch a movie. As a real film buff I was looking forward to being there.
Having previously created a gun and knife crime project with two colleagues while at university, it is subject matter I feel very strongly about. I guess my Youth Work/Manager background also has a hand in this.

It's a short film, about 50 minutes long. Most of the cast are young people who had been involved with gang culture but new to acting.The story is based on Fredi Nwaka's own true story. He went on to become an actor and is involved with C.R.I.M.E - Creating  Role Models In Media Enterprise.

The term for a parent who loses a child is called 'Vilomah' which means against a natural order. I hope there is a swift solution found to protect young people and allow their parents to enjoy more years with them and their children.

I dedicate this blog to some well loved people who died before their parents of various causes.

Mervyn Webber, Smarty Cain, Georgie Small, Sharon Small, Billy Thompson, Billy Wise, Dawn Jones, Matthew Fitter,  Lawrence Bannis (my cousin), Stephen Giles, Lisa Giles, Bradley Allen, Tony Lloyd, Georgie Davis, Danny O'Shea, Justin Nelson, Roger Hilton, Brian Brazier, Johnny Lander, Robert Narti, Billy Gill, Micky Bruce, Alfie Turner, David Carvell, Billy Dyer, Kenny Stone, Timmy Sorhaindho.

See you at the next posting.

Friday 8 March 2013

First Colour Funeral... It Had To Be Brighton

I got the call from my brother a week before the funeral. Could I come to Brighton to cover his friends funeral? I don't travel outside London so much now, I put together the Funeography Licensing to encourage photographers to cover different places. I accepted because my brother asked and also because I love getting back to Brighton when I can.
The train journey is always a pleasure. I was instructed to look out for a friend at Brighton station. I'd already been told that there was a colour and feather theme for this funeral. Ten minutes waiting and I spotted her with a huge feather placed in her pony- tailed hair. 
We drove to the lower part of the pier where the annual bikers gather. A sea of colour began to descend.








This funeral was very much about friendship and a real reflection of who the man was. There was a photographer there from the local paper. The Argus sent a photographer.
I took all the images I needed while we waited for the procession to arrive. It came down the road to the theme tune from the 1982 TV series Knight Rider. This brought rapturous applause and cheers.

©Priscilla Etienne Funeography®

The service at the chapel continued the same up beat mood. Of course there were many tears, but the laughter, singing, and dancing during the service kept a joyous feel to it all.

I'm pretty excited having done my first all colour Funeography Book. What wonderful funeographs to add to the archives.

See you at the next posting.

I dedicate this blog to the equally colourful and vibrant.... Lilian Uuk




Saturday 16 February 2013

The Modern Wonders Of The Funeral Industry





©Priscilla Etienne Funeography®

When I began building Funeography in 2008 I wondered how long it would take for people to embrace the idea that Funeography has always had a place in society and would again. What gives some people the courage to commission us, where others hesitate and sometimes are completely put off by the idea?
I get to talk to a lot of people who have been bereaved. A large number approach me at funerals, telling me of their regrets of not using Funeography and some say that they feel they have lost something special twice by not having any record of the funeral.

Recently there has been an increase in documentaries showing a different perspective to funeral directors. I must add that some of the bad stories and exposure they are getting is not true of all funeral directors. But for those who were not seen in a good light.. Oh dear. 
There is something that is absolutely clear though, funeral directors tend to stick together. I have to commend them on showing solidarity for their profession. 

We are part of a massive generation of technology, bigger capabilities and lots of change. As a Funeographer choosing my path within the photographic industry, I have done my utmost to re-create something wonderful with a new and fresh perspective. I have worked hard and enjoyed all the highs and lows that have come with the challenge I set myself. I said in the beginning with my early interviews that I was not going to disappear. I said I'd be here indefinitely and I still intend to continue. I think families are beginning to respond to these changes too. They are becoming more confident in asking for what they want. It seems that funerals are becoming an ocassion again, not something to be avoided. Theres celebration for the persons life in abundance now and people are paying attention to every detail including how they look to honour the person they are mourning. I hope this brings an increase with attending cemetary open days, theres a wealth of valuable information. Look out for your local cemetary/funeral directors open day and go along.

Get as much information as you can because you will need it.

I dedicate this blog to Shaz Gilderson who most certainly knew everything there was to know about vibrancy and being free.

See you at the next posting.






Thursday 31 January 2013

Working With Tears




                                                   ©Priscilla Etienne Funeography


How did I get through that day...Monday 21 January. The day I had to say a final goodbye to an old friend and work at the same time. This was the second time I have covered a friends funeral but it was pretty painful for me because this particular friendship goes back a lot of years.
I had already been to see her two children when I first heard the news of her death, So why did I get so emotional when I saw her children on the day of her funeral?
It was because I could see me and my brother standing at the family home waiting for our mum to arrive back in 1996. I could understand their feelings, even their thoughts.

The emotion was building in me more and more and this was just the start of the day. I knew this was going to be tough but I just had to focus on getting the best possible images I could. This work ethic is nothing new to me but for my friends funeral it felt new. I had already visited her a few days before and had an opportunity to spend some final time with her.
As soon as I had taken the first few pictures at the family home it was then time to go to the church. An old friend drove me to the church and we got there fifteen minutes before the cortege. To work at a funeral and be part of the funeral is a very different perspective and quite challenging.
I had to get into the road and stop traffic to continue with getting the images I wanted.
Once inside the church my tripod was already set up, waiting for me to mount my camera and take in  the whole atmosphere. My tears got the better of me when a woman came to the front and sung 'Amazing Grace'', I took as many opportunities to take more pictures before the tears obstructed my view. Her grandson got up and did a reading (a brave little boy), as did her daughter.
After the church we went to East London Cemetary Hermit Road, for the cremation and to release doves along with balloons. I took a few more pictures inside and out, then made my way to the refreshments venue.

                                                 ©Priscilla Etienne Funeography


I stayed here for the last hour with every intention of getting Carribean food (hard food). I couldn't eat, so I just kept taking pictures. I said a few words to remind people let me know if they wanted pictures taken with friends and family members. Every half an hour there were little toasts for my friend, and every time they said her name I cried. Her daughter was passing wristbands around with a few words on. I had come to the point where I had taken enough funeographs, I could not stay any longer.
I am currently still working on her Funeography Book.

I guess I should  close by saying 'Rest in peace' because if anyone deserves that it is her.
I will miss you very much and you'll always have a piece of my love with you.

I dedicate this blog to the wonderful, larger-than-life, Joyce Brown.


Saturday 5 January 2013

FaceBook & Announcing A Death



                                               Zuckerberg, M (2004) Facebook.


When someone close to me dies; say a family member or an old friend I would prefer to recieve a phone call or a personal text to my phone. For the first time ever I got an inbox message to my facebook account via my phone.
I read about an old friend suddenly dying. The only response I had was to scream. I kept saying 'No, no, no!'. I cried with shoulders shaking. My 12 year old Kross came in the kitchen, he ran to hold me.
The message was passed on because it was seen by another old friend who read it on facebook. It seems that despite everyone owning a mobile phone we continue to pass on such news through  messages with no voice at the other end of the phone.

As a Funeographer and Funeography Journalist I've been able to promote my company (Funeography) and myself well and to keep in touch with other death industry colleagues.
To be able to let everyone know funeral details using facebook is very, very useful, there is no denying that. For families grieving it means not having to call so many people. When you're grieving talking too much can be just as difficult as not talking.
I think it's important to think about respecting the family before posting too much information on what has happened or even how you're feeling. I think the family should have the privilege of giving out the details and expressing their emotions. Perhaps the time to read longer opinions and expressions of grief for the person who has died should come after the funeral.
The best part about facebook is that the family can thank everyone at the same time for their support and kind wishes. It is always comforting for families who are grieving.

Since my mums death 16 years ago, I only have some of the cards from her flowers and sympathy cards. They are equally as precious. I think I love having them just as much because they were physically bought and chosen and it's wonderful to have something to hold, something tangible, solid, like the Funeography Books.



                                                ©Priscilla Etienne Funeography

This is the cover of the Funeography Book I did for a dear friend  over a year ago who would have recently celebrated her 50th birthday. I miss you lots and think of you often.

This blog is dedicated to Laurie Coom.