More Time To Grieve

We were recently commissioned to photograph the funeral of a well known and well loved person in the local area. While visiting the family prior to the funeral, another visitor mentioned how difficult it is to organize a funeral in a week. He suggested that two weeks would be more reasonable.
It got me thinking of the initial grieving period. You take in the news of the death, then you have to absorb it and think about what changes it's going to bring with it. How can this be possible when you have to make the arrangements as well as have the time and space to grieve?

It can feel like there is a hurry to get on and complete the process. I'm wondering if there is a possibility for changes in the future? I think it would be really good for families, although I don't know how the funeral directors would feel about it. What we pay for funerals and ensuring those we love get the send off they deserve, surely should have some bearing on how much time we need to grieve and prepare.

I dedicate this blog to Stanley Wise (Senior).

When The Funeral Is Over

                                                        Priscilla Etienne Funeography©

I recently took part in a Sunday morning Radio London phone in with Jeni Barnett. Her sister in law had just died and she wanted to talk about the grieving process. The show was about grief, death and dying and how we cope with it.
There were some excellent points raised among the people that phoned in and some talked about the circumstances relating to the deaths of friends or family. One of the things that interested me the most was what happens after the funeral. The days leading up to it are the busiest, there's lots to plan and visitors come in abundance. There's barely time to be alone with your thoughts such is the level of support that tends to arrive at the door. Then the day of the funeral arrives, there's thoughts of how we're going to feel when we start seeing mourners arrive. Some we may not have seen for so long and feelings of nervousness start to set in. Once most of the mourners coming to the house have arrived, the wait for the hearse or carriage gets really intense. The first glimpse of it making it's way towards the house carries with it a sinking feeling.

When the funeral is over, that's when you feel you're on your own. Everything is quiet and the days tears, laughter, and chat seem to resonate in your mind. May be then we should have the 9 day wake.

I'd like to say a big thank you to Jeni Barnett she gave me the opportunity to talk about the benefits that Funeography brings to so many people and was fascinated with the concept. 

It's said that hearing is the last sense to go when we die. I can still hear the events of my mothers funeral after 15 years.

I dedicate this blog to the very vocal, far from quiet Ethel Woods.

Funeral Protocol - Who Sets The Rules?

I attended the funeral of an elderly lady yesterday, she was to celebrate her 90th birthday this month. She was the nan of a dear friend. At the funeral there were five generations of her family. I was sitting next to one of her great grandsons. On the top of her coffin was a photo of her with her husband, he had died some years before. Her great grandson turned to me and said: "Just think, all the people in this room came from them, it's amazing isn't it"? I had to agree it was, until you see the generations together you can take family connections for granted.
Her name is Millie and as the priest said she lived a long and full life. She was also a huge fan of Cliff Richard and so, for the first time in my life I was forced to endure listening to him but somehow on this occasion, it didn't feel like torture. I can't remember which Cliff song she had played but I've found a really lovely one for this posting.

When it was time to leave the chapel for the burial another Cliff song was played. The priest left everyone to their usual quiet thoughts while it was playing... except it wasn't quiet. People began to talk among themselves everyone sharing their funny stories and discussing things, laughter began to break out in different rows. It was then that I realised that Millie and her husband not only created these people but she encouraged the vibrancy and freedom they all felt with the presence of her coffin.
It was a wonderful atmosphere, although when the funeral directors came in to take her for the burial they were clearly surprised . There were one or two tears as the family followed Millie out of the chapel but the upbeat mood among the majority continued all the way to the graveside.

The wake was lively too,with a young relative singing with an acoustic guitar. The second song she sung was written for Millie. She got rapturous applause and encouragement from her family, another granddaughter even shouted: "You've got the x factor"!
I came home feeling completely inspired and happy It's nice to see that not everyone feels they need to stick to protocol. These type of funerals are definitely feeling natural to more and more people.

I dedicate this blog to someone who certainly did not conform to protocol, my dear Aunt Gotty John.

The Void At Christmas

The end of the year brings mixed emotion. A time when we think about our loved ones we have lost. It can be a sensitive time for many of us anyway, and the memories come flooding back. I most certainly get tearful and they are tears of heartache, regret, happiness; like I said, mixed emotion.
Christmas and new year is about spending some time with immediate as well as extended family. We're supposed to be together talking about good times and past experiences but when there are familiar faces missing we feel it.
It will be fifteen years this month that my mother died. The time moves on but the feelings I get sometimes still feel new. There's still so much I want to say to her and do with her. They say time is a great healer but I'm far from healed, although I have definitely got to the stage of acceptance and it took longer than I thought.
I can accept and come to terms with the fact that shes not here now but......... I don't have to like it.


I dedicate this new year blog to the person who motivated me to keep pushing on with Funeography and breaking down barriers.  My mother, Bernadine Etienne

Make Your Mark

I am trying to get these blogs posted on a weekly basis but gosh, I find it pretty tough, although I'm sure in time that will change and I'll be writing the next one in my sleep.


Anyway... Onto the blog. We are most definitely all here for a purpose, to live life to the fullest and take all the opportunities open to us remembering to show love, compassion and respect for each other along the way. I feel it's a great dishonor to ourselves and also to society not do.
It pleases me so much to hear about the wonderful legacy a person leaves behind. This could be creative work, or charitable work, whatever the person was passionate about.

I was at the funeral of a remarkable woman this year, except when she was alive I had no idea of her achievements. The latter part of her life was lived incredibly simply. Yet she and her husband founded the fabulous Chelsea Girl Clothing Company in East London. This company was as fundamentally important to east Londoners as Mary Quant was to Carnaby Street in the 60's. When I close my eyes I can still see the black carrier bags with the yellow flowers.


So for her contribution to east end fashion and to a small section of society, I proudly dedicate this blog to Lynne Skidmore.

Eulogies: To Read Or Not To Read?

No matter how much grief affects us, smiling and laughter always seems to be present. One of the most memorable funerals I've recorded, was that of a dear friend (an uncle figure in my life) with whom I'd visit every couple of months.
All the years I'd known him I had never seen him without a smile, despite suffering loss in his immediate family three times.

A funeral is supposed to reflect the very nature of a person, the term: 'fitting tribute' should be just that. The last goodbye can have all their attributes. We go to great lengths to find the right clothes to dress them in, the right music to play, and the right venue for the wake.
The priest/reverend welcomes everyone and usually starts by saying, "It's lovely to see so many of you here". Then he/she goes on to say, "I didn't know......", or " I only knew..... a short while". Immediately I feel frustration and think, Why are you up there talking about them if you didn't know them?
I've been to a large number of funerals in my life and only a handful of people have spoken about their family member or friend. I've looked around the congregation and seen plenty of people who knew the deceased and yet, it's left to the priest/reverend.
Having written and read eulogies at some of the funerals I decided on including a eulogy reading and writing service. If a reading comes from someone the family and mourners know, it makes the eulogy personal. We need to regain ownership of eulogies.

The family and friends of my dear friend came from Jamaica and other countries, to say goodbye. They did it in the exact style he would have wanted, and each time his nickname was mentioned 'Stingray', a loud acknowledgment was heard with a raised hand and clicking of fingers. A perfect end for an astonishing man.

I dedicate this blog to Johnny Small aka John The Ras.
Rest easy with Jah.              

LUTHER VANDROSS (Live) - A House Is Not A Home (w / lyrics)